Jagged Little Pill

Jagged Little Pill

Slipping into the mental fog

I was 13 years old when my mental health issues started. I went to school one day after summer vacation and was greeted with silence. A friend had spread some rumour about me and literally everyone stopped talking to me. I don’t remember what the rumour was or how the issue was resolved, but the stress stopped me from sleeping. It was just the beginning of what doctors would later tell me was Bipolar II Disorder. I was awake night after night staring at the ceiling and staring at the tamarind tree outside the window. The anxiety of waking up early for school made it worse. My grades fell. I didn’t open up to my parents so they had no idea.

Diagnosis

When I was about 18, my world came crashing down. I had a massive nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized. I don’t really have recollection of what exactly happened; just vague memories of being in a hospital and my parents being worried.

The psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bipolar II Disorder and prescribed my first antidepressant. I was skeptical and also felt ashamed and embarrassed. Mental illness back then was even more misunderstood than it is now. I imagined people would call me ‘crazy’ and other uncharitable names. My mother said to me, “Just like I have to take pills to control my blood pressure, you need to take pills to regulate your serotonin levels. There is nothing to be ashamed of.” If it wasn’t for my parents’ unflinching support, the rest of my life would be different.

Accepting that you have a mental illness is the first step to a functional life. It is similar to how one would react to a physical ailment like thyroid or diabetes. It won’t just go away if you keep watching it and not do anything. You will see signs and you will consult a doctor. In retrospect, there were a few signs like insomnia, anxiety, irritability, mood swings. I used to be extroverted and maybe it got hidden under all the socializing or that excessive socializing and somewhat reckless behaviour was a symptom of the illness.

Paying it forward

So many years on, the symptoms still exist but my ability to deal with them has got better. It has not been easy, for me or my loved ones. It has required lifestyle changes and accepting some harsh truths about myself. With the help of family, friends, therapist and psychiatrist, I have come a long way and I have tools today that I am able to use when things don’t feel right.

I decided to write this blog because I think it is high time we, as a society, started talking about mental health issues. Mental illness is extremely common and people just don’t know enough about it. I hope that by writing first person accounts, I am able to help other people like me and help yet others understand up close what its like to live with a mental illness. I will be sharing my experiences and tools that help me on a day to day basis. Watch out for this space every week. Thank you for reading.

If you identify with what I have written here, please consult a mental health professional. 

I am not a mental health professional. All blog posts are based on my subjective experiences and opinions. 

23 thoughts on “Jagged Little Pill”

  3. Dear Sharwari,
    This is a great initiative. I often share your exemplary example with friends of how you have navigated your journey with courage, dignity and sheer grit.

    More power to you! Love

  4. You have given it a good start….talking and opening up itself is therapeutic!!……wish you all well

  5. You are brave and you can guide all to tackle this disorder. Please continue writing about it.
    This will help many, both who are going through it and also who are helping them.

    1. Thank you Susmita for your kind words and encouragement. Please share the link and continue reading.

  8. Thank you for the courage and the humanity expressed here. I’ll be following this site closely. What a great name also!

  10. By sharing your experiences with others, you’re giving countless others hope and help to deal with their mental health issues. Most don’t get the support they need, they feel scared to open up. To such people your blog will prove therapeutic. Keep writing, keep spreading happiness.

    1. Thank you Rajesh for your kind words and encouragement. Do share the link and please continue to read the blog.

  11. Hello my dear. There is no comparison to someone sharing their own experiences in a raw form and opening yourself to be vulnerable. You are a strong person , keep this up.
    Also want to say, hats off to your mom, one of my best friends, and off course your dad for allowing and nurturing you blossom the way you have. Love❤️

  12. Mental health is such a taboo subject in India, and so misunderstood. I appreciate you sharing your story and experience and look forward to reading.
    More power to you Sharwari.

  13. That’s a really deep connection with yourself and love the honesty Shar! Congratulations and this allows many more to grapple and identify with what’s happening and give them strength to confront it!

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