This last month has been really intense on the home and work front. My husband and I are very privileged to be able to have a nomadic lifestyle, so on a regular basis we are in between India, Spain and the US and we also travel to other places when we can. We both work remotely so that gives us the space. 

For nearly two months I have been in India now. Because I was going to be here for this long, I decided to take on a much needed house renovation project. These as we all know are taxing and far from fun. It has been a lot of mental work and I am utterly exhausted. 

Today

I leave tonight for the US and am happy to leave. For now, I have reached my limit. Yet, I am a shadow of myself. While I sit here and write I feel defeated and alone even though I am neither of those things. The house project has been successfully almost finished and every other part of my life has also gone well. So then why do I feel this way?

Renovation

House renovation is a lot for anyone to handle along with work. I was living and working where the renovation was happening- the constant dust, sound and decision making. Ten times a day someone would come and ask me to make a decision about something. Small or big doesn’t matter, it still uses up just a little bit of your brain power. All the rooms were stuffed with the furniture from the living room. I was cooped up in my bedroom which just really got to me so I started going downstairs every morning to my Mother in law’s part of the house. I would come back up only in the evening to a shell of a living room full of dust, tarp and construction smell. 

Eventually, it got to the fun part where I picked paint colours and fabrics etc. That was probably 2% of the whole. I am glad to say that I am thrilled with the final result. The other rooms will be painted while I am gone, with nothing undecided, including where to put nails for what. 

Work and personal

For months I have been working on a challenging project at work. That renovation with the constant questions and decision making, made it exhausting and challenging. Sleep has not been great as always. Through this, I also delivered two in person training sessions, which of course needed their own independent planning. 

My husband has not been around. So my evenings consist of exercise, dinner in front of the TV and going to bed alone, well with the dog. We got a new puppy downstairs so much to my despair my dog has abandoned me and only comes at night to sleep. All the more reason to exercise every single day just so I don’t crash.  

When my husband left, I decided that I will not be alone for a single weekend because then I will end up on the couch and watch TV and get depressed. So I proactively made plans and even though I didn’t feel like it, forced myself to get out. It helped. 

The end 

When people look at someone like me, they forget that I have a somewhat fatal illness. Let’s get back to today. Why am I feeling like this? Because all this decision making and multi-tasking and keeping my mind and life together has taken a toll on me. Pushing myself to exercise, pushing myself to not get irritated with the workers or help when they ask questions, pushing myself to wake up in the morning, pushing myself to make chai and coffee because I desperately needed it- none of this was easy or pleasurable, but it had to be done because I’ve been in the abyss many times before and this time around I simply could not afford to fall there because of all the above reasons. 

Is this why I want someone to pat me on my back? Why do people feel the need for external validation? Not just people, dogs too. Why did I need it. I can see in front of my eyes how I have transformed my place and I’m proud of it. And yet, I did need that external validation. I sent photos of what I have done to my living room to my family and some friends and they said, “It looks beautiful!” And I’m not ashamed to say that it felt really good that someone appreciated all the effort I had put in. I guess I’m just another Pavlov’s dog in the end.