Last week I went through a depressive phase. I knew when I woke up, things were not going to be fine. People’s first instinct is to ask what happened but the thing with Bipolar II is that nothing has to necessarily happen for me to feel sad or even happy for that matter. It just is. Sometimes I feel like I am carrying a giant boulder on my shoulders. This boulder is a knotty mess of all the anxieties I feel all the time and some that are circumstantial. Anxiety is one of the key symptoms in Bipolar II disorder but there are other mental disorders that are specifically related to anxieties. You can read about them here. 

Even today researchers don’t conclusively know what causes bipolar disorder and the mood swings associated with it. The general consensus is that physical changes in the brain and genetics may be responsible. That being the case, anxiety is definitely responsible for a large part of the lows. In all the posts so far, anxiety has made a consistent appearance because of its persistent presence in varying degrees. Anxiety doesn’t come in ones but in hordes and occupies different parts of my mind all the time. 

 All anxieties don’t cause the same level of disturbances like say physical wounds. A scratch is much less painful than a fracture. Anxiety is complex topic, so I will cover it in parts. Today I will talk about the different kinds of anxiety.

The Obvious

The large ‘in your face’ kind of anxiety is hard to miss. Of course, people react differently to different issues but let’s take general anxiety causing scenarios like work deadlines, important exams, sickness of a close one etc. It’s hard not to be aware of the anxiety associated with these scenarios because we are constantly conscious about it. Not only are we conscious about it, we also proactively work towards eliminating that anxiety like working longer hours, studying harder, spending more time with the sick person and so on. These are everyday scenarios that all of us face at some point or the other. I think these situations make everyone anxious, even people without any mental illness, however, from my experience I can testify that I find it much more challenging to handle them.

I tend to not think logically about the situation and it grows bigger and bigger in my head. The bigger it grows, the less logical I get and the more anxious I become. It becomes one messy vicious cycle and it feels like my head is going to explode. I think the difference between how a ‘normal’ person reacts to anxiety and someone like me reacts is this. A ‘normal’ person is still able to think logically and not let the anxiety take over, whereas for me this is much harder to do.

The Subtle

The big anxieties can potentially cause an explosion but they are much easier to identify and hence easier to deal with rather than the subtle, nagging ones, which lay menacingly under the surface. Ironically, these are the ones that keep me awake, make me feel tired and helpless. I can almost visualize them inside my mind like gossip mongers talking continuously. 

Here are some everyday scenarios that can be debilitating for someone with a mental illness. They make us really anxious and should be taken seriously. If you have a friend or relative who reacts to any of these situations abnormally, I would advise you to not make fun of them or minimize their concern. 

• Making plans
• Social events
• Sudden changes in schedule like last minute dinner plans
• Being alone in a public space
• Meeting new people
• Lack of cleanliness
• Making quick decisions about mundane things like which restaurant to go to or what toilet paper to buy
• Running late to an appointment, official or social
• Talking to someone at a call center

The list is endless really. These are just some scenarios from the top of my head that make me anxious. Let’s take the last scenario of calling customer service. If I have to call customer service for some reason, I absolutely use it as the last resort after first trying emailing or online chatting. Now, what’s the big deal you ask? I wish I knew. I just know it causes me anxiety.

Manifestation in the body 

One way to recognize that something is making you anxious is to observe whether it manifests in your body in some way. I suspect it almost always does. The other day, I was distractedly watching TV and suddenly realised that I was fidgeting with my fingers and clenching my hands continuously. The moment I realised, I stopped doing it and tried to identify the source. Here is a list of some of the ways that anxiety might manifest in your body.

• Fidgeting
• Clenching different parts of body (stomach, hands, teeth)
• Chewing inside of mouth
• Grinding teeth 
• Twitching toes / ankles
• Tingling feeling on the arms, at the back of the neck
• Chills
• Rocking back and forth
• Increased heart rate or breathing rate
• Sweaty palms
• Biting nails / lips
• Scratching 
• Feeling fatigue / exhaustion
• Dizziness

I will end with this today. Next week I will discuss some tools that have helped me to handle my anxieties and until then maybe you can observe and try to identify your anxieties. I am embarrassed to admit that writing this post caused me anxiety and I dealt with it by procrastinating! Better tools next time.

If you are experiencing the symptoms mentioned above, please contact a mental health professional. 

I am not a mental health professional. All blog posts are based on my subjective experiences and opinions.