In my previous post I narrated the harrowing experience of my father being in the hospital for 54 days from COVID complications. He came home on November 3. My mother had successfully found two male nurses to make sure sure that Dad had help round the clock. Physically, he had become a baby again, he had to start all over again, for example, he had to relearn to walk and eat by himself because he had almost no muscle mass anywhere.

I was on tenterhooks the first couple of weeks, as if waiting for something to go wrong. I suppose I can attribute this to the ICU effect. The tension and anxiety has not left me. I have Post Intensive Care Syndrome or PICS. Yes, this is real. Just yesterday while I was brushing my teeth, the image of Dad unconscious and on a ventilator flashed in front of my eyes, uninvited.

An opportunity for self growth

I have spoken a lot about the trauma, fatigue, stress, anxiety and a little bit about gratitude. In this part, I am going to talk about four things that I learned through this experience. 

1. Life altering 

A few people close to me have gone through these kind of experiences and I have heard about the trauma associated with it. I can tell you that I was not at all prepared for what happened to my father. For the first time in my life I was forced to step up and take charge. I could not ‘use’ bipolar as a reason for being inadequate. It just wasn’t a choice. 

2. Guardian angels 

Guardian angels come in different shapes and forms and from places you least expect. In our case, there were a few people who went above and beyond. This group included the simply exceptional doctors and family, friends and even work contacts. These people supported us in a variety of ways from connecting us to relevant people, going to the COVID ICU without hesitation, to paying bills and providing a car and driver for us for two months or making sure everyday that we, the caregivers, we fine.

3. Faith 

I had complete faith in the doctors who treated Dad but there were times when the situation seemed so utterly hopeless that I was forced to question my less than adequate faith in God or some supreme being. I found myself unknowingly praying constantly. 

The praying that started due to sheer desperation has become somewhat of a habit since Dad’s miraculous recovery. Even his doctors called it a miracle. His primary doctor’s words were and I quote, “We are guided by god.” 

4. Fasttrack to maturity

Fine wine is often used as a metaphor for maturity but it takes years to mature whereas I had two months. This experience taught me to look at my life differently. It forced me to step outside my self, my desires and needs and focus my vision on my parents, my in-laws and my husband. It has been eye opening. 

What has been most surprising for me is knowing that I am capable of putting aside or managing my mental illness and taking control of completely chaotic situations without having a nervous breakdown. It is this knowledge that has given me strength and confidence to know that I have the ability and skills to tackle anything that is thrown at me. Of course I’m not delusional, I had help from different quarters to help me and I will seek it in the future as well. I will rely on some of my wise friends to guide me as I learn to accept this new role.

Gratitude

At the end of the day, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude. Gratitude for my family, friends, for all the people who reached out and helped, and for being privileged enough to be able to afford the best treatment for my father. I am grateful that I have found the ability to be grateful. 

Today, as I was walking in Lal Bagh in the evening, I came up with my own mantra to chant. I call it the 4S mantra. 

Shakti – strength

Sahansheelata – hardiness

Shanti – peace 

Sayyam – patience 

© All illustrations are copyright of Manasa Murari and may not be used without permission.

© All photos are copyright of Sharwari Tilloo and may not be used without permission.