Ten days ago, I experienced a grand mal seizure. This type of seizure causes a loss of consciousness and muscle convulsions. The convulsions can cause you to bite your tongue badly, which I did. The last grand mal seizure I had was nearly fourteen years ago, so this was totally unexpected and absolutely terrifying, more so for my husband, because I have no recollection of what happened. 

From what I can remember, there were no signs of anything out of the ordinary. I was cleaning all morning and then went for a shower. My husband heard flapping sounds and called out to me but I didn’t respond and he couldn’t open the bathroom door because I had fallen against the door. After waiting a few minutes, he forced open the door and carried me to bed. Seeing my lacerated tongue, he was certain I had had a seizure. 

It is useful to know what one can and should do as a caregiver if someone has a seizure in your presence. 

What happened?

According to research, a considerably large number of people who suffer from epilepsy also suffer from depression. As a result, some medicines are common for both and treat both. I was diagnosed with epilepsy in 2008 and have been on medication since. Then why did I have this episode now? 

We went to the Emergency Room the same day and the doctor did some tests. Through my father’s illness my stress levels had gone through the roof and I had stopped sleeping. As a result, I had changed my sleep medication. The ER doctor concluded that my increased stress levels and changed medication may be responsible for this episode. As it happens, the new medicine has a low threshold for seizures. This was easy to take care of, I stopped the medicine and went back to my old medicine but in its wake, the seizure has left a jumble of complicated emotions and feelings. 

Ten days on…

My tongue is still lacerated from biting it during the seizure, leaving a constant sense of discomfort. I am unable to have my hot chai, my elixir, instead having to drink lukewarm chai or ice water. 

I am circling the edge of depression, afraid that I’ll fall in but fighting to not fall in. I am hyper aware of how I am feeling so as to not slip into the abyss.

The most surprising and also disturbing of all symptoms has been memory loss. I have little recollection of about one month up to the seizure. It feels like I have lost time and it is frightening. My psychiatrist assured me that it will come back slowly but it is scary nonetheless. 

Healing

My husband has been a super caregiver. Apart from taking care of me in every way, cooking, feeding, reassuring me, he has done extensive research to make sure that he doesn’t miss out on anything. He is constantly vigilant of how I am feeling and is sensitive about it. It is a slow road back to normal for both of us but we will get there. 

*Hmong term for seizure

‘The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down’ is also a non fiction book by Anne Fadiman about a little immigrant Hmong girl who is epileptic. Her treatment unfortunately got lost in the clash of American and Hmong cultures. I highly recommend this book.