Sharwari Tilloo and Manasa Murari

Have you heard that story about the cat stealing milk and getting caught? When she was caught, she closed her eyes because she thought no one would see her. I am that cat. I think if I stand in a corner, no one will see me.

At work or with people I know, I am comfortable and can be chatty. So most people are shocked to know that I am an introvert. I suspect it may also be because most people don’t really understand what it means to be an introvert. Going to social events and parties doesn’t mean you’re an extrovert. 

‘Are you an I or an E?’

Many people would have taken the Meyer’s Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) personality test at some point. According to MBTI, an introvert is a person who gets energy from within themself. An extrovert gets energy from other people. This article has explained it very well. 

My learnings from both personal experiences and that of others is that it is not black or white. Most of us are both introverts and extroverts to varying degrees. 

I love spending time with friends and family but I need a period of hibernation after to re-energise. This period of hibernation decreases depending on my closeness to the people. For example, networking events completely wipe me out and I need to hide out for a good one week before stepping out. Going to a social event with strangers causes me anxiety and costs a lot of energy. 

Pros of being an introvert

I didn’t always used to be an introvert. I was a social butterfly and a party animal in college, though now I believe that that behaviour may have been a manifestation of my illness, bipolar II disorder. Through my twenties, I lived alone a lot and realised that I actually enjoyed spending time by myself, mostly with a book for company. I am very comfortable being alone; whether it is at home or going out or traveling.

Cons of being an introvert

Meeting new people causes me tremendous anxiety. I may end up having a good time but I need some notice to prepare myself. Spontaneous plans with unknown people don’t go down well with me. For example, I may end up canceling plans if I get to know last minute that there are going to be new people present, or I may be extremely quiet and unable to make any conversation. 

When it comes to making small talk, I usually don’t. I become instantly awkward when I have to speak for the sake of making conversation. I am also reluctant to initiate a conversation while in the company of acquaintances or strangers.

Coping mechanisms

With new people I meet, I make it clear it’s not them it’s me. If they don’t understand, well too bad, this is not something I have extra energy for anymore. I’m at a stage, I don’t want to make excuses or pretend.

On several occasions, barring close friends, people have perceived me as arrogant because of my inability to initiate or engage in small talk. This doesn’t bother me too much anymore. Often, I make up for the awkwardness with silly one-liners now and then, when I am able to emerge from my imaginary shell. 

Having said that with all bravado, life is not that simple and one always meets with situations and people that cannot be avoided. Here are some things I follow to cope with anxiety. 

Social situations

• I don’t spend a lot of energy conversing with strangers if I feel it’s not going to form into a meaningful friendship or if they are not interesting. 
• If it gets unbearable, I make an excuse and leave. There is no judgment here. My husband knows me well so there are times when he stays and I leave. It is important to have this kind of an understanding otherwise it will lead to arguments. I don’t expect him to leave with me and he doesn’t expect me to stay. 
• If there are back to back engagements with friends, I make sure I have some time to myself to rejuvenate (resting, reading, walking etc.).

Professional situations

• Unfortunately, there is nothing I have been able to do about this other than take a long break from meeting other human beings and preferably spend time with dogs. 
• Over the years, I have also realised that little is accomplished through networking events with my personality unless I personally already know a few people there. One on one conversations are much better. Since I am too anxious to put myself out there, these events are moot for me. 

What does being an introvert mean to me?

To me, being an introvert doesn’t mean not having friends or not going out. I need to spend time with my friends or at least speak with them on a regular basis to stay sane. I can also go days without meeting anyone till I feel the need to. I am perfectly happy by myself for the most part. 

I have come to accept myself for who I am and I don’t make excuses. My close friends and family know about my anxieties and my illness. A couple of months, a close friend had a birthday party. I was in the thick of my depression then and was contemplating not going. I went because most people were close friends who are well aware of my mental illness. I sat myself in one place with one or two friends. Nobody asked me questions, nobody forced me to do anything I didn’t want. It was an epiphany. I have my world. I felt blessed.

At the school I went to or even Grad school for that matter, there was a huge emphasis on speaking up in class. Why? Didn’t they realise that some kids were just too anxious to speak up? So now I say, this is who I am, take it or leave it.