You must have heard of the Butterfly Effect – when a butterfly flaps its wings in China, it causes a hurricane in Florida. Of course it’s not a direct effect but rather a result of multiple events that the flapping sets in motion, which causes the hurricane on the other side of the world. This is chaos theory; when events become nonlinear and disorder sets in. My world is somewhat like that. A chaos theory of events and difficult emotions. 

Causality

The last five months have been brutal. It started with a stomach flu that sent me to hospital which infected me with COVID and here I am still struggling to recover from long COVID. In my case, the butterfly flapping its wings is the food poisoning and the hurricane is a breakdown, five months later. There is no way to predict that had this not happened, I would not have had a breakdown but this likely accelerated the process and has definitely totally messed with my brain. 

Chaos and emotions

One of the things I struggle with is emotion regulation. I think it’s safe to say that this is true for most mental illnesses, not only Bipolar II Disorder. Every emotion is amplified – sadness, irritation, excitement, rage etc. Over the years I have learnt to regulate them but I am not able to do so hundred percent of the time. So something sets off the butterfly effect. Sometimes it’s an event that causes mild irritation that goes unchecked and like a wave it engulfs people in its way, while increasing in its magnitude. Like any natural phenomenon like a hurricane, this too wreaks havoc in the form of arguments, unpleasantness, hurt, just bad blood with people I love. The grand finale is a complete emotional breakdown for me. So in my chaos theory, I am the butterfly, the hurricane and everything in between. 

I have accepted that I cannot control the events of the chaos that surrounds me. However, from my experiences, I am learning to understand them better and deal with my emotions related to the events in a more constructive manner.

How do I stop the butterfly effect?

There are many tools to help regulate emotions. Here’s a list of four tools that my therapist has given me and that I use the most- 

• Connect with your body. Understand where in your body you are feeling the emotions. 
• Take deep breaths or pause before reacting or responding. 
• In case of an argument, disengage or leave the room when you feel the irritation rising. This is really hard to do especially because in the heat of the moment it is tempting to say unpleasant things. But when you manage to keep quiet, once you are calm, you are glad you didn’t engage. 
• In case of depression or sadness, try to connect to your body and get out of your mind. Feel where in your body you are feeling the emotions. For me, it is always in my abdomen, the gut, and sometimes in my chest. 

Constant learning and practice

These are all tools for the in-between period of my emotional seesaw. They are not as easy to practice. Every incident teaches me something new about myself and it’s hard to be constantly aware and make those changes. 

I say in-between period because these don’t necessarily make a difference when I’m hit by massive depression. I haven’t figured out how to foresee the signs of a breakdown or how to lessen the impact. Sometimes I can see it in hindsight but it’s too late and I’m already enveloped by the darkness.

For the last five months my body has given up on me and my mind depends heavily on my body. I haven’t exercised in five months so I have no extra dopamine and endorphins. I feel I am getting better but the progress is so painfully slow and so painful that it makes me wonder if this is going to be my new life. That is an emotion I struggle most with.