Almost all of 2023, I was either mentally or physically unwell. It has been a challenging time for me as well as people around me. I realised that at the end of the day, a mental illness is isolating and you are alone in making it through despite support from close family and friends. And tragically it is isolating for them too. 

The last almost nine months were the worst of all. I have written about my long COVID experience, which began in March 2023 and ended sometime in November 2023. It destroyed me physically and mentally and only later did I realise that it had also quietly brought on a chronic depression that I was struggling with till about two months ago. 

The struggle

Prior to COVID, I would manage my Bipolar II Disorder largely by working out 5-6 days a week, taking medication regularly, proper diet, and leading a healthy social life. With COVID, I experienced fatigue like I never felt before. I was unable to get out of bed, breathing was strenuous and my energy was extremely low. As a result, I almost completely stopped socialising as well because any activity would tire me out. I couldn’t stay up past 8pm. Exercise was out of the question. 

As the days turned into months, depression began to settle in. Initially it was COVID associated depression. I had all the classic signs- listlessness, insomnia, fatigue etc. In the middle of this, my psychiatrist of 20 years suddenly decided to retire. This was a big blow. I feel for someone with a mental illness, the relationships with your psychiatrist and therapist are two of the most critical relationships. That really affected me and I felt like a fish out of water. 

At some point, the COVID symptoms vanished overnight but I was so deeply depressed, I had once again plunged into the black abyss; this time without a psychiatrist. I continued to speak with my therapist but not as often as I should have. This was due to the self perpetuating doom of depression. 

Climbing out

Work

Through this period, I caught a lucky break and got a consulting job with a start up. It is very exciting and for the first time in many years I find myself surrounded by young, bright people who challenge me. This was a huge step towards some kind of normalcy, something that forced me to get out of the funk. I had a purpose everyday that helped me get out of bed.

Family and friends

I consider myself extremely fortunate to have a family and friends who are supportive and understanding of my condition. This tight group of people that includes family, friends and of course my dog, has seen me through my best and worst over the years and has stood firmly by me. Without them I would be lost. I admit that in the last one year, I took them for granted. Not even calling some of them for weeks. They waited and were around when I did call. 

An illness like this is hardest for your partner and your relationship. My husband was there to hold me, say positive things, order ice-cream, do whatever was necessary even though it was scary, frustrating, tiring and many other complex emotions for him. After all who wants to be with someone who is negative and depressed all the time. But he was patient. He would go away diving for a few days every now and then and my parents would come and stay with me. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention my lovely mother in law. 

A friend once told me that when we (people with mental illness) go into a funk, our partners struggle to understand and yet do what is necessary. Then the gloom passes and we get up, shrug it off and are back to normal leaving them thinking “What the hell just happened and what am I supposed to do now?” I have taken my husband for granted this last one year and have not put in an effort to understand what he went through and goes through on a daily basis with my unpredictable moods. But now that I am in a good place again, I want to do for him what he has done for me- try to truly understand the isolation and pain. 

Normalcy

Thanks to my therapist, I found a new psychiatrist after a gap of four months. He is wonderful, non judgmental and gentle. He put me on Ketamine therapy and within two weeks I had more or less bounced back. Although my energy is still not at a hundred percent, I have started exercising, socialising and spending more hours working. It feels great to not feel depressed and hopeless all the time. I am aware that this is not the last time that depression is going to hit me like this but for the time being I am basking in the this lightness. 

Disclaimer

DO NOT take ketamine without consulting your doctor.

If you are experiencing the symptoms mentioned above, please contact a mental health professional. 

I am not a mental health professional. All blog posts are based on my subjective experiences and opinions.