One of my biggest and constant problems is a continuously thinking mind. Parallel thoughts running inside my brain like crossed wires. Also the reason why sleeping is so hard and a fixed routine and a meaningful productive life is so important. I crave silence but silence and my brain are like star crossed lovers. Then there’s anxiety as another villain. All stars have to be aligned to get through the day with as little drama and anxiety as possible. 

Moments of solitude and silence 

Mornings are my favorite time of the day. I wake up, make my ginger chai and feed my dog, Bijlee. I take my chai to bed and read a book. The traffic outside has not yet reached its crescendo so it’s still relatively quiet.  After eating, Bijlee likes to stick to me with not a hair’s breadth between us. Between her snoozing, every now and then, she looks at me like I’m the greatest thing on earth. It’s pure love. 

Within half an hour, this bubble bursts. The honking starts. A clear sign that the day has begun. I too sigh and get out of bed to get on with my day. Lucky for Bijlee, her day is pretty much about sleeping, eating, getting petted and barking at random people or inanimate objects. 

Get on with the day, you say?

For a person with Bipolar, ‘getting on with the day’ doesn’t come that naturally. Note the hundreds of parallel thoughts running through my mind. For example- work, dog, some random memory from somewhere, errands to run, did I take my medicines, coffee, lunch, inks, book, meeting, social life, some random article about something etc. The list goes on. These are only the bigger ones that I can think of at the moment. Since I am writing this post right now, I am completely focused and so the mind is comparatively silent. 

When you are a (functioning) adult, there are responsibilities or things to do everyday. I have to work, make sure there is food, the house is clean, salaries are paid, dog is fed and so on. For most people it’s easy peasy. For me, it causes anxiety, the levels depend on the task at hand and the consequences of doing or not doing it. Bipolar patients also have a hard time planning. 

Research shows that Bipolar Disorder, I and II affects different parts of the brain- the prefrontal cortex, the hippocampus and the anterior cingulate cortex. Together these are responsible for memory, cognitive function, planning, emotion regulation, moods and other functions. So you see why ‘getting on with the day’ might be difficult for a person like me.

The neverending to do lists

From the moment I wake up, if I don’t plan every hour of the day, I get anxious. So I make to do lists. I cannot rely on my memory because apart from the above reason, after 25 years of taking medication, I believe it has been affected in a noticeable way. Well, noticeable to me at least. So it’s almost as if, if I don’t put it in a list, it doesn’t exist. It doesn’t end there. The task may be on the list but that doesn’t mean I won’t procrastinate. So now two things cause me tremendous anxiety- procrastination and the unscratched task staring at me from the list. 

Having said that, the lists help. I’m a pen and paper person so if they are physically in front of me with all small and big tasks on them, they are a constant reminder. Plus I get satisfaction out of scratching out the tasks as I finish them. Making lists has another advantage, it reduces the noise in the head a little bit, the bit about tasks becomes a murmur. 

Back to the silence

I have realized that a mentally busy day really exhausts me. I feel physically exhausted if I have had a busy work day, for instance. Bijlee is a great solace for me. I feel she radiates love. Do you know that hugs or for that matter touch have great emotional benefits? My husband and I bought a couch which can accommodate both of us lying down. It’s in front of the TV. I find silence in watching mindless TV lying on the couch together. Sometimes Bijlee feels the need to squeeze in. 

For the last few months, I have been meditating every night in bed before going to sleep. I use the app Insight Timer or my friend Nithya Shanti’s meditations. I’m finding ways to instill more moments of silence in my life. May you find yours too. 

Disclaimer

If you are experiencing the symptoms mentioned above, please contact a mental health professional. 

I am not a mental health professional. All blog posts are based on my subjective experiences and opinions.