I have been ruminating over how to write this post for many days now. I am not sure about how I can put into words everything I experienced over the month of July and the life transforming changes that occurred as a result. 

In the past, I have spoken about my struggles with Bipolar II and crippling anxieties. I also suffered from almost constant chatter in my head. In July, I chose to experiment and do something completely different that somewhere along the line, something in me just broke; for the better. The anxieties are reduced by maybe half and the chatter is almost gone. 

Something different

In the last few years my husband and I found ourselves in the delightful company of some European bohemians, yogis, hippies choose your word. We spend a reasonable amount of time at Amara Valley Nature Resort as a result, which is two hours outside of Barcelona. Every day here is focused on basic community living, yoga and physical work or activity and healthy eating. They host workshops and festivals along the same lines, which work with your body and breath, like yoga, breathing exercises, shamanic rituals, cacao ceremonies, music etc. 

Some of you have read about how difficult and challenging my last one year has gone. Given that, I had decided that I just wanted to immerse myself physical work and tire myself out. It worked out perfectly because I reached Amara at the end of June, just before the hosting of the Agni festival. 165 people were expected and much work had to be done. 

For three days, I helped level out the camping grounds (quite intense) and other sundry work, all the while with the sun beating down on us. On the first night of the festival, my husband and I cooked Indian dinner for 165 people with a few helpers. We were in the kitchen for around 6 hours but the food was lapped up quickly. 

The reason for writing about this is to tell you that this is not what my regular life looks like. It took my father to nearly die to reexamine the way I live my life. The obvious thing to do was to try something completely different.  

Out of space

We decided to take this experiment a few steps further and went to a burn festival. I was extremely skeptical about going. Staying for ten days with a bunch of people in a shared community with no way out scared the hell out of me. Especially given that I’m an introvert. Friends who know me well counseled me about how I can manage myself in the festival. The festival happens in extremely harsh conditions- extreme heat, dust, tents, basic showers, porter potties- to name a few. You also build your campsite from the ground up. 

After going back and forth, I decided I had to do it. We reached for the Build, which is where you build your campsite ground up. It was hard physically and mentally, but I’m better for it today. Those ten days threw me so far out of my comfort zone that I feel like it almost changed me and the chemistry of my mind. 

Roughing it out 

While I was there I slept really well. I felt really peaceful. The first few days were extremely hard. I wasn’t in charge of anything so I think it was easy to just work with the others and follow instructions. When we reached, it was close to 40 degree celsius and the whole camp was flat land, just mud. The camp was yet to come to life. There was a container full of all the material of our camp or barrio. We started unloading the container and worked till about 9.30pm. Our friends got us dinner and we enjoyed it watching the sunset. We had also found a few chairs and a table! First priority was to build the kitchen. People would start arriving and we needed food. 

We had four days to build the barrio. For those four days, we worked hard from morning to night, apart from afternoons when it was especially hot. I loved the challenge of the physical work, the harsh conditions and the companionship. As if magically, the barrio rose from the flat ground into a beautiful 3D home with a kitchen, shade, dome, showers, tents and ‘living room’ with mattresses. 

After effects

Through those days, I slept better than I have in years; despite the heat and very basic living conditions. What was most intriguing was that my anxieties seemed to reduce; the constant chatter in my head stopped. 

The ‘major’ daily anxieties or worries were do we have enough water or where can I find a cleanish toilet or will there be a thunderstorm and so on. Maybe as a result of that, my overwhelming non-stop anxieties have left me. For a while I waited for the anxieties to come back but they haven’t. Unfortunately, my dear friend, Insomnia, is back. Well, one step at a time. 

I entered this experience with so many ideas of how things were going to be, so many expectations, and it turned out to be entirely different in reality. This entire experience forced me to stay in the present and that helped me let go of at least some preconceived notions and judgements. Most importantly, it left me with some inner peace.