Love thyself
By Sharwari Tilloo and Manasa Murari
I have spent nearly the last three weeks struggling to crawl out of a fairly severe depressive phase. It is painful and slow and improvement everyday is almost imperceptible. This struggle is something that I have come to terms with. The cyclical depression will never go, this is also a fact. However, like I have always said, it does get better. It requires effort though and my life is better for the effort I have put into it.
The negative aspects of a mental illness are many and have a wide range. So it took me many years to understand that these problems can be turned into opportunities for self growth. I know I sound like some eat, pray, love type hippie but it’s true. Also this exercise in self growth, has made depression a tad easier. Today I want to focus on a few parts of my life that I decided to work on because they were affected by bipolar disorder.
- Accepting myself
- Being kinder to myself
- Recognizing own behaviour
- Recognizing own emotions and thoughts
- Recognizing and being aware of my reactions or responses
- Cultivating habits that will lead to better mental health
- Finding a non abrasive method to deal with conflict
- Doing things that I don’t like or don’t want to but know will be better for me
I have bundled these actions into a few points.
Acceptance
Acceptance is not easy. This acceptance is about specific aspects of myself that I have to change or modify because my illness stops me from being them or doing them. For example, one of the most difficult things to accept has been that I don’t have as much energy as other people. Energy is affected by lack of sleep, anxiety and mood changes.
Since recognizing this, I have made adjustments to account for the varying energy. This has helped me find a balance between prioritizing well-being and work, lifestyle and relationships.
I find it easier now to ask for help if I find myself in a stressful situation. Acceptance has made me realize that asking for help is a sign of growth and not weakness.
Self awareness
The most difficult part of this journey is to recognize that I feel emotions more intensely than people without any mental illness. It took years to come to this realization. Once I became aware of this, I started working on changing this pattern.
It sounds like it means changing one part of you but it actually isn’t. As I became more aware of my emotions and my reactions, I began to realize that bringing something like this under control requires making life changes and taking a deep look inside yourself. I was confronted by some ugly truths about myself like inability to accept certain shortcomings or unwillingness to let go of arguments and the biggest culprit of all- my ego.
Holding myself responsible for my thoughts and emotions is another important revelation that came with acceptance. Understanding this helps me evaluate stressful scenarios and process my emotions rationally. Moreover, I have also learnt to accept that I am not responsible for other people’s emotions and that has been a game-changer. When I find myself in conflict with others, I can now engage in a rational argument without having to feel guilty of opening up my concerns with the other person.
However, being rational doesn’t always come easy. In the heat of the moment when emotions are running high, it is hard to engage rationally. For the most part, I am now able to recognize when this is happening and I try to remove myself from the situation till I have calmed down and can engage rationally.
What this means on a practical level
Personal settings
Any relationship comes with its ups and downs. As mentioned, during arguments keeping my emotions under control is very hard. And so in difficult situations I come back to the conversation after I have processed my thoughts and emotions. Or when I do engage in arguments, I try not to react based on my emotional state. This is perhaps the most challenging for me and I continue to struggle with it.
Large gatherings with strangers make me uncomfortable. This is a factor of my being an introvert and the anxiety associated with bipolar. It takes a lot of energy to converse and I feel sapped after a while. As a coping mechanism, I have learnt to listen to my mind and body to see if the situation is having a toll on me. This means sometimes, I leave a party early to get some me time and refill the energy deficit.
The decision to leave something fun is not always easy because your mind and body may not always be in unison. From experience, now I know that if I do leave early, I feel relieved and assured when I get home.
Of course if I am with close friends, this is much easier to do. If I am with people whom I don’t know, it’s trickier because leaving early can be misconstrued as many other things like snootiness or being judgemental or high maintenance etc. At my age, I have decided it’s a risk worth taking.
Professional settings
Professional settings are harder because you don’t always have a choice. If you have a meeting coming up, you can’t say I’m tired and get out of it. At my last job, I had a wonderful team of people who I could be brutally honest with. I dare say they gave me a lot of leeway when I was underslept or irritable. I think what helped me was being hyper vigilant about my moods and continuously questioning my responses and behaviour.
By accepting and being aware of the many ways my mental illness affects me, I have learnt to become empathetic and resilient. In my darkest days, I am the only one who gets me when it feels like no one else does. I now see the world in a lens that keeps evolving as I evolve. Acceptance, awareness and empathy now extend beyond me as they bring me closer to those around me.
I am not a mental health professional. All blog posts are based on my subjective experiences and opinions.