Being a mother is one of the most complex and difficult jobs on earth and yet there is no license or exam to become one. For almost every important life event there is some sort of a qualification required. Let’s see, college, driving, drinking, getting married, any kind of job or skill but not for having kids. 

In India at least, having children is seen as a solution to any marital problems. Having problems in your marriage, have a child, better yet, have two, have children within the first year of your marriage when you don’t even know what marriage entails. And thus the world ends up with adults spending hundreds of thousands in therapy thanks to messed up childhoods. It’s changing though, many people I know have chosen not to have children. 

A case for not having children

A mindset change about being voluntarily childless is gaining slow momentum. People are normalizing the fact that having children is a choice- especially with climate change being a major concern. Second, with a rise in awareness of mental health, some adults are acknowledging the need to assess and work on their own mental-emotional health before deciding to have children.

I love children, always have. I can say pretty confidently that children like me. So a life without children was unimaginable for me. In my early to mid thirties, I still thought it would be possible. My husband and I would have fleeting conversations about it. Rationally I knew that I could not have my own child for the risk of passing on my genes of mental illness. In the last few years, it became increasingly clear that a surrogate or adopted child would also not be possible because of my severe depression and medication. How would we manage when I have a crippling breakdown for days on end? It would not be practical. 

Societal pressure

I have a problem with society putting pressure on women to have children. Even today, definitely in India, women are defined by whether they have children or not. If they don’t, then sometimes, people look at them with something akin to pity. I have experienced this myself. Capability, maturity or sickness is never taken into account, nor is the child’s wellbeing. Is it fair to the child if the parents have a bad marriage or like in my case, have a mental illness? In my opinion, in most cases, the decision to have children is an emotional one or there is no decision making at all. Children just ‘happen’.

Underestimating security and stability

Children need love, security and stability. This means the parents have to have a stable and functional relationship. If they don’t receive all three when they are children, it can affect their future relationships and their personal and professional lives. Most adult personality issues stem from childhood trauma. It can become a vicious cycle if the parents have not healed from their own childhood traumas and project their issues on their children. Parental issues factor for depression in a considerable number of children. You will find a list of reference reading on this topic at the end of the post. 

A different motherhood

While it is painful to think that I will never be a mother, I am grateful for the children in my life. My sister’s children are like my own and I love them like my own. My husband and I are also lucky to have a great relationship with his nephews and nieces and with our friends’ children. 

However our own child is a dog who is a ball of love and affection. Bijlee Beyoncé walked into our lives as a stray puppy five years ago and adopted us. Sometimes the way she looks at me, I believe she thinks I’m her mother. She gives me tremendous love and joy. Motherhood comes in different forms. For me in this lifetime, my child is an animal who gives me unconditional love. 

List of reference articles