Three months ago, I got COVID for the third time. It took a couple of weeks to get diagnosed because my initial symptoms were mild. But the sticky thing that COVID is, it has stayed and turned into its current state called Long COVID. Long Covid is when the virus goes but the symptoms stay for an undefinable, unpredictable amount of time. One theory states (oversimplified version) that latent viruses in our body come to the fore and attack the body making it weak. In my case, I have now been struggling for over three months. 

The symptoms vary but it generally affects your whole body and mind. The symptoms I have been struggling with are- 

• Extreme fatigue
• Body pain
• Pins and needles, mostly in my lower extremities
• Palpitations
• Breathlessness
• PEM (post exertion malaise)
• Depression (worsened by COVID)
• Brain fog
• Disturbance in menstrual cycle

Long COVID is hard to diagnose as there is no test for it. Doctors diagnose based on symptoms and elimination of any other problems. I went through blood tests, heart tests and a COVID antibody test, which clearly showed that I had recently had COVID. There seems to be no treatment apart from rest and gradual rehabilitation.

Acceptance 

For me this was and still is hard to accept. I am used to having mental breakdowns and know how to deal with them but I am absolutely flummoxed by this complete physical breakdown. When I’m depressed, I exercise or try to keep physically busy. This is a new problem where I am unable to get out of bed not because of depression but because of extreme physical fatigue. One night, I had such bad palpitations that I was convinced I was having some sort of a cardiac episode. I am in a constant state of ‘unwellbeing’- not sick enough to sleep all the time nor well enough to do anything mentally or physically meaningful.

Mental breakdown in a physical breakdown 

During this time period, my sister and her kids visited and we then went to see our parents. All this excitement added to the exertion that I was advised to avoid. I was pushing my mind and body. 

My husband saw it coming and I should have expected it; about one and a half months in, while at my parents’, I had a complete mental breakdown. My psychiatrist increased the dosage of my medicines, some of which I still am on. Now my mind and body had both shut down on me. So I cried and I cried and then cried some more. I called my husband every night and cried hoping that it would make me feel better but it didn’t. He patiently listened on the other side while I spoke about death incessantly. Needless to say, it was hard on him and my parents. 

PEM (post exertional malaise)

The depression slowly abated but the dregs of it remain and the long covid continues. PEM is what I am struggling with most. PEM is when there is a reduction in energy combined with other symptoms mentioned above. My body is not the same. I feel removed from it. Climbing up and down a flight of stairs makes me breathless. Randomly my heart starts beating really fast and I have palpitations and there’s nothing I can do about it. Post minimal physical activity I collapse.

Long COVID is real

There is a plethora of information on long COVID, its symptoms mostly, and complications. A lot of this research is also very demotivating as it talks about severe cases where people had to give up their jobs for example due to extreme fatigue or extreme brain fog. 

Long COVID is real. I find myself constantly justifying to people that I have long COVID because it’s invisible and people judge and give unsolicited advice. It is also not visible that some days the fatigue is so crippling that I feel like I’m dying. This invisibility it shares with Bipolar II Disorder or any mental illness for that matter. I also justify because this is not who I am. I am an active person, mentally and physically.

What about treatments?

I have read a lot of research looking for treatments. Unfortunately, there is no one size fits all treatment. One thing all doctors say is that exercise is counter productive. So I have to figure this out on my own. How much can I push my body? How much can I walk? How many steps can I climb? How much can I talk? How much can I read? Because everything is tiring. I must learn to calibrate my body to this new reality. I am trying to rest, forcing myself to rest and do passive things like reading and watching TV along with doing very minimal physical activity. 

The inability to exercise has been debilitating. I am not getting my endorphins and dopamine and so the mild depression continues along with the long COVID. There is no saying how long it will take for it to go. My hope is that one day not far away, I will wake up and it will be gone. 

If you are experiencing any of the above symptoms see a physician. Long COVID is real.