On January 1, 2023, I woke up feeling mildly depressed. But there was another unfamiliar accompanying feeling. After going through my repertoire of complicated feelings and emotions, I was able to identify it as fear. Real fear of 2023. Fear of what I want to do, need to do, am expected to do and fear of losing people. 2021-2022 really did a number on that one. 

What is normal?

I went through everything that had happened in my life in the last two years. They were not easy on most accounts- my Father’s near death, my seizure, my depression, complicated relationships, unemployment and job search (ongoing) and other myriad of things. Thinking about these things made me wonder what it must be like for people who do not have a mental illness. Do they too have to wear many different faces to suit the situation? 

Some days when I open my eyes, the first feeling is that of exhaustion, extreme mental exhaustion. What if I don’t regulate my emotions today and just let go? Will I feel free? Will I feel happy? What if I let people judge me for how and who I am? The truth is I don’t know. Instead I go about choosing from my library of masks and pick one depending on the situation and person- friend, employee, boss, daughter, wife, daughter-in-law and so on. Some roles require more emotional awareness and regulation than others.  

A couple of examples 

Over the last few months, I have applied to countless jobs. At the risk of sounding boastful, I am good at what I do. So this inability to find a job is confounding. In some applications I reached the interview stage as well. No matter the number, rejection is hard. What I really want to do is to pick up things and smash them and scream and cry. Instead my mind picks up a mask, says thank you, of course I understand. My brain has an automated response- there is something better out there. This must be happening for a reason. 

There have been times when people have used my illness to justify a situation. It hurts and upsets but I have learnt to ignore and move on. The closer the people the harder it is for me and for them. But sometimes, the mask slips and the real, ugly face shows along with its rage and unsavory language. 

The examples can be endless. I’ve presented these two to show that I have to actively work on being a certain way to live peacefully. There is no break, it is everyday and almost all the time. So then the question arises, is this me? If not, then who am I? 

Do I know who Sharwari is anymore? What is her core? Maybe it has changed. 

Suffering

The Buddha said ‘All life is suffering’. No doubt he was right. But in the case of people like me who suffer from a mental illness, our lives are not only suffering but we are not allowed to feel or show the suffering. Hence like actors, everyday we choose the mask we will wear. I am aware this sounds a bit high and mighty but that is not my intention. It is instead an acknowledgement of the truly difficult nature of a mental illness. 

This post is not in the general vein of my past posts and maybe not a great way to start the new year. But I chose to write about this because I want to start the new year with the truth. Not only for my readers but for myself- to accept that everyday is hard and some days are harder. Yes the medicines, psychiatrist and therapist help but without this constant self work it is challenging to achieve a sense of normalcy. 

All things considered, masks and all, life could be much worse and I am grateful for that. 

If you are experiencing the symptoms mentioned above, please contact a mental health professional. 

I am not a mental health professional. All blog posts are based on my subjective experiences and opinions.