I am not a morning person. Well, sometimes neither am I a day nor night person! When I wake up, I never feel happy or have a carpe diem attitude. On some days, it takes a tremendous amount of effort to get out of bed. On most days, a cup of chai gives the push. After reading a number of articles, I came to the conclusion that I probably have morning depression. These articles stated that people with mental illness feel more depressed at different times of the day. In my case, it is definitely as soon as I wake up. 

I don’t know how ‘normal’ people feel when they wake up. I’ve seen it of course with friends and family, the joy of being alive in the morning. Not me. Well, to be fair, I was never a morning person even as a child. Though it’s impossible to know if this had anything to do with Bipolar II Disorder. 

This post is about a few different elements that lead to insomnia and how I get caught in a vicious cycle of sleeplessness and inactivity. It is a cause and effect involving these elements that makes it difficult to break the cycle. Having lived with Bipolar II Disorder for 23 years, I can say with some authority what causes me to be exhausted, unmotivated and inefficient ever so often. 

Stress and anxiety

If you have read my post on anxiety, you will have some idea about how it affects my day to day life.  There are big, hard-to-miss anxieties and then there are smaller, more subtle anxieties. All of them affect my life in one form or another. Persisting anxieties slowly start manifesting in physical exhaustion and oftentimes depression. The stress caused by the anxiety topped with exhaustion is so crippling that it ends up into a vicious cycle of inactivity. Furthermore, the realization of inactivity fuels depression and feelings of worthlessness. 

Lack of sleep

Let’s not forget the ever present devil – insomnia. If every inch of my mind is crowded with competing anxieties, no amount of medication can help. For that matter, nothing helps. I have tried permutations and combinations of all possible things – including different medicines, exercise, different dinner times, meditation etc. So once again, no sleep = mental and physical exhaustion. Same cycle repeated. 

What’s the solution? 

The solution is not an easy one and typically takes me days to get to the point of applying it. I make to-do lists so I can visually be aware of everything that needs to be done. There are times when I am unable to scratch off even one thing from my to-do list. It is just too overwhelming when I’m under-slept and stressed. For example, any interaction with an unknown person at some call centre or office like a bank or airline causes me enormous anxiety and I tend to procrastinate till such a time that I have no choice but to tackle the task at hand. It is definitely frustrating for people close to me but the anxiety overshadows the frustration of the close ones.

I am aware I do this, I am, for example, also aware that calls to customer service terrify me. Yes, it’s bizarre. So now I don’t expect myself to do it on the first day but rather work towards it one day at a time, set a deadline and eventually get it done. It’s still not at all easy but I would like to think that I am getting better at it. 

Small steps and Exercise

I have realised that two things – small steps and exercise – help me get back on track relatively effectively; although it may take me time to get started given what state of depression I am in.

Small steps – If I have 10 things on my do-to list, I start with the easiest and least stressful. I have also learnt through experience not to have unrealistic expectations of myself. When I wake up, I know what kind of a day I am going to have; whether it’s going to be a 1 task day or a 5 task day. If I am aware, it helps me to do that one task and also be kind to myself and not feel guilty. 

Exercise – Exercise is critical to feeling good, whether I sleep or not. A few years ago, my therapist recommended an excellent strategy. He told me to keep my exercise gear out before going to work and when I get home, without sitting down, to change and leave. It really works. Unless I am supremely exhausted, I decide in the morning what I am going to do that day and at what time. This helps because then my mind is already prepared for that activity at that time, like an alarm. 

Purpose and Routine

For me having a routine and a purpose in life is essential. The lack of these two also results in anxiety and mental and physical exhaustion. Unfortunately these are not as straightforward as small steps or exercise. I have been looking for a job for months now, without success. At one point it took over all my mental space and energy, resulting once again in that crippling exhaustion and hence the vicious cycle. This is a tricky one to break because it means I have to create purpose, even if it is something I don’t like.

Moving forward

Purpose, routine, small steps and exercise are pathways to a normal life. Having said that, I think it is important to be aware of how your mind is treating your body. In my experience, there are days when your body is not capable of any kind of work and it’s important to respect that too. 

Along with these, I think it is important to let go of the guilt built from not having accomplished pending tasks. It can relieve some stress and at least does not pile up on existing stress of getting tasks done.

If you are experiencing the symptoms mentioned above, please contact a mental health professional. 

I am not a mental health professional. All blog posts are based on my subjective experiences and opinions.